Thursday,
July 06, 2006
Soccer: Americans Just
Don't Get It; A Fun Satirical Look
The ANNOTICO Report
The author obviously either doesn't know much
about the "finesse" of low scoring Soccer, vs
for instance the "slapstick" of high scoring Arena
Football or NBA Basketball, or does know, and is writing this "tongue in
cheek". Of course not to spoil the fun, I will not mention the
popularity of low scoring Hockey in the
Appreciating soccer on TV is a learning experience
for Americans
From
Wed, July.
05, 2006
Among other
things, you need a bladder the size of a Frenchman's ego; an ability to keep
reminding yourself that despite all the evidence to
the contrary, what you're watching really isn't tedious; and a willingness to
forgo beer for 45 minutes at a crack.
Speaking of beer, how does a World Cup held in
If nothing else,
After a brief
flurry of early activity, John Harkes boldly told his
colleague, J.P. Dellacamera, that "there could
be a flood of goals tonight."
In case you
missed it, one goal was scored. "Scored" might be too flattering a
verb. The play that decided the game came on an unimpeded penalty kick from
about 13 inches in front of the Portuguese goalkeeper by a bald man on the
verge of retirement.
That kick was
awarded not because of some flagrant violation, but because two players
inadvertently touched toes in whatever it is they call that box in front of the
goalkeeper.
At least now I
know why soccer passions run so high. Since no one is capable of scoring during
the regular course of play, the only goals happen on free kicks, penalty kicks
and corner kicks. (Why does a game with so many "kicks" provide so
few?) That leaves far too many opportunities for referees to - as happened
yesterday - decide the outcome.
The Wall Street
Journal reported yesterday that avid soccer fans have been upset by the
American broadcasts. They're finding all the graphics and talking too
distracting.
After having
watched
There appeared to
be less happening in the game than in an average "American Idol episode -
which, perhaps not coincidentally, is another worldwide phenomenon I don't get.
However, I would
agree with those soccer diehards who complain that ESPN/ABC may be dumbing down its broadcasts in an effort to capture the
vast apathetic American audience.
Early in
yesterday's game, for example, Dellacamera felt
obliged to offer this fascinating insight:
"
Yesterday's game
took place in
At least the
German stadium's grass was thick and green, which is more than I can say about
I was glad to see
that the camera operators are just as obsessed with the managers' reactions in
soccer as they are in baseball. In fact, watching the
formally attired French manager furrow his brow while his Portuguese
counterpart frantically scurried up and down the sideline in a Forman Mills
outfit was better theater than the game.
(If
As long and
eventless as the match was, it did possess one feature that this Philadelphian
could comprehend. Every time
The young star
probably walks too much and refuses to run into walls.
I also learned
that soccer is a 90-minute game that never ends in 90 minutes. A referee can
add as much time to the ends of halves as he sees fit to make up for stoppages
in play.
"Hello!
If you're going
to account for breaks in the action, why not just stop the clock whenever a
player is hurt or the ball goes out of bounds? That's what watchable
sports do. That way everyone, and not just the referee, would know when the
match was about to end.
Soccer. The
game that never stops. Except when it stops.
Soccer. The only clock that
matters is in the referee's hand. And he ain't
telling.
Anyway, I walked
away from yesterday's World Cup semifinal with at least one significant query:
If soccer
hooligans actually do consume enormous quantities of beer before and during
games, and if the clock never stops, how long are the men's-room lines at
halftime?
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Email: annotico@earthlink.net