Thursday,
May 10, 2007
A New Italian Mother to Match the New
Jewish Mother?
The
ANNOTICO Report
Before we get into that: Please Note the following
comments from the Jewish Journal. Are you listening David Chase (The
Soprano's) and Steven Spielberg (Shark's Tale) who defend their denigrating,
demeaning bigotry with the lame excuse: "It's Only a Movie/TV, it's Not Real Life."?
Ten
years ago, a group of
"Negative stereotypes
have a permanent and damaging impact -- be they sexist, racist or (Ethnic). The
influence of negative stereotypes contributes to a culture of xenophobia,
hatred and isolation"
The group intends to influence better portrayals of Jewish women in the
media, so that instead of Fran Drescher's nanny, you will
have more like Debra Messing's Grace Adler, "a
proud Jewish girl glamorously bouncing down the marriage aisle with her prize
-- a gorgeous Jewish doctor!"
How
long is it going to take to convince the "flat landers"
of the OBVIOUS, that the Earth is a Sphere!!!!!!
That
Negative Stereotypes are DAMAGING!!!!!
Now to the Old Stereotypes of Jewish and Italian Mothers.
The
Jewish mother: the long-suffering martyr who loves her children so much that
she smothers them with nagging, with guilt and, of course, with food. That
version was sometimes materialistic, always overbearing and, as the joke goes,
like a rottweiler, never let go.
Does the Jewish mother and the ethnic mother come from the same
mold. Loud, opinionated, overbearing and always, no matter the country of
origin, pushing food.
On "Everybody Loves Raymond," the mother was played by a Jew (Doris
Roberts), who was created by a Jew and an Italian, but is meant to be Italian.
On "The Sopranos," the guilt-inducing martyr of a mother is also ...
Italian.
It
seems like Amy Klien is more interested in convincing
everyone that the typical Jewish Mother is OK, that she misses the foibles, and
therefore there is no need for improvement.
Living
in both Cultures, I would tell the Jewish mother she aught to ease up on
the PRESSURE she puts on her children to ACHIEVE, and be
Less concerned about MATERIALISM, and More about Relationships and SELF
SATISFACTION, ie Enjoy.
I
would tell the Italian Mother to ease up on the DOTING, and instill greater
Expectations in their Kids regarding EDUCATION and Career, and tell them
it is Not ALL about Enjoyment 24/7.
While
much alike in many ways, there is this Extreme, that were both to move toward
each other, ie moderation, Both
would be better off.
The New Jewish mother
Many women are carving out new territory, but some are embracing
qualities they once eschewed in their own mom
By Amy Klein, Religion Editor
|
The Jewish Journal |
May 11, 2007
Rae Drazin never wanted to be a "stereotypical"
Jewish mother who "overindulges her children, is self-sacrificing and
overly protective." So Drazin worked full-time
while she raised three children. She participated in their lives, but also made
a point of encouraging them to be independent. "I didn't practice
self-sacrificing behavior and tried very hard not to be overly
protective."
Janet Fuchs was taught to focus on her career when she was growing up -- so she
did. She studied immunology and thought she'd be the next Jonas Salk. Now she's
a full-time mom.
Meet the New Jewish mother: Educated, independent and hard working, she wants
the best for her children. She also wants to be different. Different from the
stereotype of the Jewish mother -- no longer the long-suffering martyr who
loves her children so much that she smothers them with nagging, with guilt and,
of course, with food. That version was sometimes materialistic, always
overbearing and, as the joke goes, like a rottweiler,
never let go.
We all know this mother, because for the most part, this is the mother that has
been repeatedly portrayed in music,
books, film and on television for the last half century -- from "Portnoy's Complaint" ("Alex, why are you getting
like this, give me some clue? Tell me please what horrible things we have done
to you all our lives that this should be our reward?") to
"The Nanny," as well as in all the good old Jewish mother jokes (A
bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says, "Lady, I haven't
eaten in three days." "Force yourself,"
she replies). And in the minds of most Americans -- and purveyors of American
culture around the world -- she still is the Jewish mother.
But maybe, really, she isn't a ny
more.
A new Jewish mother is emerging in the 21st century among women who have
learned the lessons of their mothers and grandmothers,
yet are carving out territory of their own -- in many different versions.
The Jewish mother has always figured strongly in pop culture, but she wasn't
bad in the beginning, said Joyce Antler, author of the new book, "You
Never Call, You Never Write! A
History of the Jewish Mother" (Oxford
University Press, 2007), and a professor of American Jewish history and culture
at
"In the 1920s, it was the familiar, sentimental Yiddishe mama that Sophie Tucker and Al Jolson and Henry
Roth portrayed," that is, the supportive mother. But by World War
II, the Jewish mother became "villainous," Antler said in an
interview.
All the fears Jews had about assimilation got taken out on the mother, Antler
believes. "She becomes the scapegoat for materialistic, acquisitive
values. The other aspect is th e manipulative,
interfering, guilt-producing, overprotective woman, the mother who doesn't let
her children alone."
In the 1960s, with the civil rights movement and the advent of feminism, Jewish
women began taking a new look at their mothers. Today, with intermarriage,
conversion, adoption and diversity, "demography gives us a new face of the
Jewish mother," Antler said.
There are political mothers, community mothers, working mothers and, of course,
stay-at-home mothers who focus their attention on their children. "The
Jewish mother is still evolving," she said.
For Jewish women who consciously, conscientiously, try to not behave like
mothers past -- like their own mothers -- breaking the pattern isn't always
easy. Drazin, for example, described her mother as
self-sacrificing. ("She would give the best parts of the chicken to us
children and be content with eating the less-desirable parts.)
When Drazin's own children were young, she was in
grad uate
school and then worked full-time. She tried to embody the "positive
traits of a Jewish mother -- taking time to listen to a child's needs and
respond lovingly and caringly." She even sometimes indulged her children,
cooking their favorite meals when they were sick, volunteering in their
schools, making their Purim costumes -- but she said she did so without
self-sacrificing behavior and without being overly protective.
But these days, Drazin's son and his wife are
practicing something called "attachment parenting" with their son.
This involves breast feeding until the child is a toddler, co-sleeping and putting
the parents' needs -- especially the mother's -- second to child's, so the
thinking goes, the child will become a secure, independent individual.
"Is this a new version of the Jewish mother? Maybe," Drazin said.
Or maybe the overattached Jewish mother of yesteryear
has become the New Age parent of today.
In this era of overzealous paren ting, some babies
don't encounter another human being other than their parents for the first six
months for fear of germs. And children are registered for preschool before they
are born, so they will be on the right academic track. Sometimes, it's hard to
tell the difference between old-fashioned and new-era mothers.
And it's also hard to differentiate the Jewish mother from the ethnic mother,
as portrayed by the media. Anyone who has watched "My Big Fat Greek
Wedding" can see that the Jewish mother and the ethnic mother come from
the same mold. Loud, opinionated, overbearing and always, no matter the country
of origin, pushing food.
On "Everybody Loves Raymond," the mother was played by a Jew (Doris
Roberts), who was created by a Jew and an Italian, but is meant to be Italian.
On "The Sopranos," the guilt-inducing martyr of a mother is also ...
Italian.
"The Jewish mother can be any mother in extremis; what's different is how
the Jewish mother came to stand in for the mother," said Antler. "I
don't think our popular culture represents other mothers in such ways. You
don't find the cruelties, to such an extent. When Jewish mothers are portrayed
as themselves, you almost always get the exaggerated type. She's either
portrayed in an excessive fashion or not at all."
If it's true that all mothers -- or at least all middle-class American mothers
-- are Jewish mothers, it's probably true that for many Jewish mothers today
their struggles are not about whether they should be a "Jewish
mother" but the typical struggle of middle-class women: To work or not to
work? The feminism of the '60s, '70s and '80s taught women they could have it
all, but many mothers in the '80s, '90s and even today are discovering that
having it all isn't truly possible, and they have to make choices.
Fuchs grew up in a Conservative Jewish home in
"I don't know how she thought I could get an M.D. and take care of my
children," she said. "I wanted to get married ,
and I wanted to have children, and I wanted my Ph.D. I didn't think, 'Gee, what
would I do with these children' I wanted to have? Eventually you have to make a
decision."
Fuchs said she is fortunate that hers was made for her -- her research as an
immunologist didn't pan out, and she didn't want to be a second-rate scientist,
so she quit. "When I left science, my oldest was 15 months, and I remember
the other women were all so overwrought about leaving their kids."
She is happy as a full-time mom -- and in the Modern Orthodox circles she runs
in, she doesn't feel a need to defend her decision. Still, when she's out with
her husband -- a doctor -- he is quick to point out that she has a Ph.D.
"So t hey know I had another option, and I didn't have to stay home."
Does Fuchs worry about being a stereotypical Jewish mother?
"I worry about that I'm pushing my kids too hard and [whether] I am
getting them on the right track. I don't think it's a Jewish thing at all. It's
an upper-middle class worry. I don't think that being Jewish informs me in that
way."
As far as her own daughters go, Fuchs is not quite sure what message she wants
to pass on, although it's probably not the message she got growing up.
"I think we sell women the wrong message: By the time you finish your
Ph.D., then you have to get married and have kids and then you have fertility
problems," she said. "On the one hand, you don't want them to get
married at 17, on the other hand, it's not good for
girls to get married at 32."
But Fuchs' concerns are hardly Jewish. They touch on the fundamental issues of
feminism -- the balancing act between career and home -- all issues ta ken up by all modern women.
Consider the "mommy wars" written about endlessly in newspapers, blogs and books, where committed stay-at-home moms battle
stalwart working moms, or in Maureen Dowd's "Are Men Necessary: When
Sexes Collide," (Putnam, 2005) which discusses whether feminism is
dead and if women today are returning to age-old stereotypical mothers, like
the '50s mom, undoing years of feminist struggles.
Many women, however, are embracing the qualities that they once eschewed in
their own mothers. "I think there are a lot of good things about Jewish
mothers," said Lori Gottlieb, a National Public Radio commentator and
author who, among other things, wrote an essay in the book, "The Modern
Jewish Girls' Guide to Guilt" (Dutton, 2005) about her mother, titled,
"My Private Caller" ("One day I'll be dead, and
|
then you'll be sorry you didn't take my calls," she quotes her
mother as having said.) Now that Gottleib has her
own child, her views a re changing.
The ANNOTICO Reports Can be Viewed and are
Fully Archived at: Italia The ANNOTICO Reports Can be Viewed at Italia Mia: http://www.ItaliaMia.com
|
Blogspot:
http://annoticoreport.blogspot.com
Annotico
Email: annotico@earthlink.net