Saturday,
May 26, 2007
Movie: "Beer League": Howard
Stern's Pervasive Italian Bigotry
The
ANNOTICO Report
Howard
Stern. and lackey Artie Lange and, obviously, his buddies got
together to make a film all about suburban organized softball leagues often
referred to as "beer leagues".
"Beer
League" is annoyingly stereotypical and hackneyed, it also isn't funny,
and since no one can remember this film even being released to the theater, and
it is even unlikely to make it to DVD, we needn't be too concerned about
it.
But,
what we MUST be concerned about is, as the
Critic points out, his biggest surprise is that ",it shows just how pervasiveThe Sopranos has made grossly exaggerated Italian
stereotypes " .
Usually
you don't have Non Italians being observant of, or sensitive to Ethnic Bigotry,
but when the critic makes it Issue #1,and his tastes
are usually "bottom dweller type", and not very
culturally sensitive, or intellectual, you gotta
FINALLY accept that there is a PROBLEM!!
Fortunately
he makes that point clear in the first two paragraphs, so it's unnecessary
to read anymore of a review that reflects the Basest and Toilet Humor of Howard
Stern.
Beer
League: Misunderstood Masterpiece?
411
Mania. com
Pop
Culture since '96
Posted by Will Helm
05.22.2007
or, Ralph Macchio May Still Be Alive,
But His Career Certainly Isnt
While last week I studied the American tradition of Little League,
there are some men and women who refuse to let that slice of their
life go. And, for them, there is another form of recreation, usually found in
suburbs around the country: organized softball leagues often referred to as
"beer leagues." Why? Well, those involved are in a league and usually
there's beer involved, either before, after, or even during the game.
Just, perhaps, to cash in on the popularity of beer leagues across the country,
Howard Stern lackey
Artie Lange and,
obviously, his buddies got together
to make a film all about this strange American tradition. Yes . . . that was a
bit of sarcasm. Alright, that was a lot of sarcasm. I never knew there was a
clamor for a beer league movie and, judging by the fact that I can barely
remember this film even being released to the theater, evidently no one knew
that either. The film does hold two surprises, however: it shows just how pervasiveThe Sopranos has made grossly exaggerated Italian
stereotypes and Ralph Macchio
still gets work in movies. Oh, and that
Deep in the
Over at the local ballpark, some old guy (Seymour Cassel) yells at his Italian
teammates because only Ralph Macchio takes the game
seriously . . . maybe a little too seriously. The fat guy, being a cheerful,
drunken fat guy, shows up a little late, but at least he brings drinks. As the
game starts, the fat guy argues with the skinny guy from the gym, who's not
only the captain of other tea m but also the fat guy's longtime rival. Dum-dum-DUM! To start the game, the fat guy and the skinny guy
argue about sexual conquests back in high school, for no particular reason.
Then, as the game begins proper, the fat guy and his team all stink; perhaps
it's because the fat guy tells racist jokes to his lone black teammate. Deep
into the game, after some screwy play or something, a brawl breaks out between
the two teams. The cops, who must not have had anything better to do or were waiting around
knowing this would happen show up instantaneously to arrest both
teams. Over at the station, the teams argue until the chief shows up to break
them up and propose a compromise brokered by the evil skinny guy. It seems that
the chief, who apparently also runs the softball league or has some sort of
jurisdiction over it, states that, due to their history of brawls, whichever
team finishes the season with a better record or something like that . . . it becomes a
little more vague later can stay in
the league while the losers have to ship off to a different league.
At the local bar, some skanky HOT CHICK (Cara Buono) sits around at the bar and then the fat guy hits on
her a bit, just because he can. The bartender, being a salt-of-the-earth
archetype, sasses at the fat guy and brings him back down to reality. Yes, even
skanky HOT CHICKS are out of his league. Meanwhile,
Ralph Macchio bemoans the fact that he isn't happy
about his upcoming wedding and everything related to it and that his fiancie is less happy with his behavior as of late. Yeah .
. . he's whipped. It also seems that Ralph Macchio is
quite nervous about his bachelor party, since the fat guy who's also the best man is tasked with planning it. Why do I get
the feeling Beetlejuice is going to show up at any
time?
After a night of drinking, the guys go to the nearest diner, where they mock
the "Happy Waitress" special seriously, why is it called a "Happy
Wai tress"? and
The next morning, the skanky HOT CHICK, now hung over
and realizing what she's done, freaks out. Seriously, who wouldn't? Unless she's thinking of working her way up the Howard Stern food
chain. Of course, her disdain isn't just because she slept with Artie
Lange, but also that he's sexually unsatisfying. The fat guy, being a jolly fat
guy who's used to being sexually unsatis fying, tries to soothe things over and, because of his
sweet talk, the skanky HOT CHICK agrees to go on an
actual date with the fat guy. To celebrate their burgeoning relationship, they
almost get it on again . . . but the fat guy is rudely interrupted by his mom .
. . who's also Roseanne Barnold's sister (Laurie
Metcalf)! So Artie Lange is Roseanne Barnold's
nephew? Huh?
At the next game, the team still sucks, so the fat guy reconciles the situation
by taking the skanky HOT CHICK out for dinner later.
As what must be his idea of romantic conversation, he tells the skanky HOT CHICK all about his sad, dull life. The skanky HOT CHICK, who's unsurprisingly in therapy,
psychoanalyzes the fat guy and, through that, she reveals that she digs him.
How sweet. Of course, it might just be because she's had an awful life too. Dr.
Drew would have a field day with her. In the skanky
HOT CHICK's car after the date, the fat guy and the skanky HOT CHICK joke about sex and he's even a bout to get
some . . . until his mom rudely interrupts again. Hmm . . . maybe she's
jealous.
OK, that's gross.
Perhaps to change his lot in life a bit, the fat guy gets a landscaping job the
next day but, unfortunately after a
day of mowing lawns and gasping for air, his last task is to mow his archnemesis' lawn. Dum-dum-DUM!
In addition, the skinny guy just happens to be home with a HOT CHICK and his
Speedo ah, there's nothing like
Italian stereotypes to mock the fat
guy and his supplicant job. This comes into play later in the day as the fat
guy and his team have to play the skinny guy's team
again. On the ballfield, the fat guy and the skinny
guy trade witty barbs . . . and musical cues. There's nothing like dueling
theme songs! All the drama is for naught, however, as the fat guy hits into a
double play to end the game. Yay?
Back at the bar, the guys drown their sorrows and joke around about their
impending relegatio n. Ralph Macchio,
however, since he takes the game seriously and he's the fat guy's heroic foil still wants to win and stay in the
league. Meanwhile, the black guy tells ethnic jokes about Italians, which is
perfectly kosher in the world of the film. It's nice to see Beer League
taking the time to break down double standards. Meanwhile, the rest of the
conversation takes a left turn as Ralph Macchio chats
with the fat guy about the upcoming bachelor party. Ooh . . . I hope he wants
chicks, and guns, and fire trucks, etc. Or not, as he just wants a promise that
the bachelor party will be civil. The fat guy, perhaps feeling sensitive, wants
some advice about the skanky HOT CHICK and,
specifically, how to handle her track record. Oh no . . . she did it with
That night, in bed, the fat guy complains about the skinny guy to the skanky HOT CHICK. Hmm . . . maybe he's got a crush on the
skinny guy or something. That'd be an interesting plot twist. The fat guy gets
over his rage at his rival because of the skanky HOT CHICK's love . . . and the massive amount of tetrahydrocannibinol coursing through his system. He and
the skanky HOT CHICK then get it on . . . with his
mom listening in the next room. Well, it's nice that she can keep track of her
son's skills, but maybe not in that way.
Shockingly, perhaps through the awesome power of skanky
HOT CHICK love, the fat guy and his team win a game and now the fat guy doesn't
want to give up on their quest of staying in the league. Oh no . . . not one of
those movies. I'm not in the mood to "feel good." His teammates, in
an odd turnabout, aren't as optimistic but the fat guy tells them with a little
practice which he eschewed earlier
in the film as an ironic counterpoint they could be contenders. They could be
somebody. The old guy, since he hasn't done much else in the film, goes along
with the fat guy's plan and everyone else agrees since, I guess, they respect
the old guy. Or he'll just insult them or something.
Moments later, the guys start practicing and, unsurprisingly, they start
getting better as they're applying themselves to the task at hand. Ah, skanky HOT CHICK love: is there
anything it can't do? Meanwhile, the old guy and the fat guy, perhaps as added
motivation, scream insults at their teammates. On the field, the results of
their new outlook are obvious as the guys go on a winning streak and the fat
guy messes with the skinny guy's lawn. That weekend, the fat guy and the skanky HOT CHICK go down the shore
where she shoots a geek and then they get hassled by Jim Breuer as a carny. The fat guy steps up to Jim Breuer's challenge and
then he throws a football at him in a fit of rage.
Sometime later, Ralph Macchio gets a lecture from his
fiancie about his bachelor party later that evening;
I wonder if an ex-boyfriend of hers will offer to trade her for tools and tires
and cash. Oh, and a Porsche. Damn Bachelor Party was an awesome movie.
Anyway, at the bachelor party, the guys hang out with extremely skanky strippers because I guess
After the party, the fat guy bonds with one of the strippers over skanky HOT CHICK love. Moments after, behind the bar, Ralph
Macchio urinates on the fat guy while the skinny guy
reveals that he did it with the skanky HOT CHICK.
Dum-dum-DUM! Although, in that situation, I don't
know which is the insult and which is the injury. The fat guy, unsurprisingly,
goes off the deep end although at
least it really wasn't
Over at the diner, the skanky HOT CHICK visits the
now-unhinged fat guy and he wants to chat about his rival. It turns out that
she boned him two years ago which
is probably an eternity with her track record but the fat guy doesn't care. I honestly
can't say I blame him for not wanting the skinny guy 's
sloppy seconds. At least they both knew they had herpes to begin with; it's all
about suppression. Anyway, the skanky HOT CHICK tells
the fat guy to let it go and he does . . . by dumping the skanky
HOT CHICK. The skanky HOT CHICK flips out even though she could do so much better
than the fat guy. Bitches be crazy.
With the fat guy now single and despondent, his buddies try to talk some sense
into him; meanwhile, Ralph Macchio wants to tell his fiancie about what went down at the bachelor party but his
buddies wisely convince him not to. Back at the bar, the guys find out that
they're tied for second place in the league but the fat guy is distracted by
the fact that he needs a date for Ralph Macchio's
wedding. OK . . . there's just too many plots going on
in this damned movie. Be a sports flick or be a drama; stop trying to be both!
Oh yeah . . . and be funny! How is it that comedians
and comic actors aren't funny! Damn you, movie. Whew . . . anyway, the fat guy
calls a bunch of girls he knew in high school, but now they're either married, lesbians, or nuns or in prison or something
like that. At the end of his rope and his little black book the fat guy calls the skanky
HOT CHICK to apologize and ask her out to the wedding; it's too bad she's busy
in bed with the black guy. Whoa . . . that was unexpected.
After the guys win the next game and make the championship game, the fat guy
still can't get a date for the wedding. Ralph Macchio
tells him to come alone but the fat guy doesn't want to out of respect. So he
elects to take the cokehead stripper from the bachelor party with him. It
doesn't turn out for the best, however, as, on the way to the service, they're
arrested because the stripper is coked up and can't drive anyway. Hence, the
fat guy lets Ralph Macchio down by missing the
wedding.
A few days later, the fat guy tries to apologize to Ralph Macchio,
who is sensibly incredulous. The fat guy, as a token of self-sacrifice
volunteers to quit the team but his spot is assured when the old guy kicks off
for no particular reason. Back at the bar after the funeral, the guys toast the
old guy over and over and over and over again. And then they start talking
about some guy named
After the bartender hilariously drives all the guys to the ballpark in
his sensible sedan, the guys tumble out of the car and get ready to play the
championship . . . in their suits. Since the old guy is on the permanently
disabled list, the fat guy has to pitch but, before he does, he apologizes to
Ralph Macchio's fiancie for
screwing up their wedding. She, not ever liking the fat guy to begin with,
actually thanks him for missing the wedding. Aww . . . how sweet.
In another touching moment, the skanky HOT CHICK
shows up to support the fat guy figuratively and, after she reveals to everyone in
earshot that the skinny guy isn't well endowed and has herpes, the fat guy hits
a home run. The fat guy's stunning success at the plate rallies the team and
they end up scoring a few runs to make the game competitive. Of course, the
actually still lose the game, but at least they were respectable. For once. After the game, while the skinny guy and his
teammates celebrate, the guys elect to play in Parsippany the next year and
then the fat guy steals the skinny guy's trophy and drives off with the skanky HOT CHICK. Ooh . . . maybe they're going to bury it
next to Jimmy Hoffa. Finally, during the credits, Todd Barry hits on the skanky HOT CHICK down the shore just because Artie Lange
probably promised him a part in the movie.
No lie. Beer League hurts my head. Not only is it annoyingly
stereotypical and hackneyed, it also isn't funny. Like I said earlier, how can
so many "funny" people make a film that isn't at all funny . . . much
less entertaining. It doesn't happen often, but Beer
League actually breeds a feeling of apathy that I haven't encountered in a
long time. Beer League isn't actively bad and it isn't actively good . .
. it's just there. It takes up space on film, on DVD, and probably on the
airwaves too . . . and that's probably the best that can be said about it. As
it is, at least it's some form of emotional response, and I suppose it's worthy
enough of being a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
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